August 7, 2010

Brett Favre and Jenn Sterger: A 21st Century Romance

The annual Brett Favre retirement saga has developed an intriguing and wholesome wrinkle, one that will surely have the whole family sitting around the dinner table, discussing the issue, Mom and Dad explaining to little Billy and darling Sue just why it’s so romantic that Brett Favre allegedly sent pictures of his dong via cellphone to Jenn Sterger, former Playboy model, New York Jets employee, and current host of some stupid show on Versus where she stands around pointing her boobs at the camera.

Indeed, this is just how things are done now, how a man meets a woman in the 21st century. There are those who will say that the image of Brett Favre jacking off on a cellphone camera is unwholesome, but those people are old fashioned and just don’t understand the realities of this modern world.

But, it’s easy to send pictures of your junk to your would be paramour. Anyone can do that. What’s important is follow through, and apparently Brett understands that because he allegedly kept sending Sterger pictures and texts, not giving up like so many would have him do, proving once and for all that he really is a True American Quarterback and Hero. After all, a true American never quits. He never gives up. He fights on until the girl points at the screen and says to her friends “Well, it is a nice looking dick.”

Still, now that he’s wooed Sterger, Favre needs to be able to follow through. If he wants to properly seduce Sterger, he’ll listen to these friendly tips from his good friends at Heavy, who understand that the future is upon us and with it, a whole new way to romance a lady.

- Don’t make obscene phone calls. Sure, they may be fun, but they’re also outdated. I know that’s how Grandpa got Grandma back in the day but you’ve got to step up your game, Brett! Send her an MP3 file of you moaning and breathing heavily. She’ll love it.

- Don’t ask her out. Nobody does that anymore, Brett. Instead, plant a tracking device on her car and then follow her until she ends up in a place from which she can’t escape. She’ll be forced to have dinner with you.

- Wear goggles. Naturally, she’ll probably be surprised by your “date”, which probably means that she’ll whip out the ol’ mace. It’s important to be prepared and that way you can avoid any unpleasant feelings once she realizes that it’s you sneaking up behind her and not some (other) degenerate.

- Follow through. Sure, you’ve been out once, but that doesn’t mean that she’s hooked yet. You have to keep on her. Send her some more MP3’s. Get out the cell-phone and start snapping away. But she’s already seen your penis, Brett. You don’t want her to get bored, do you? Dress the lil’ fella up. Give him a nice hat, maybe draw a smiley face on there and sprinkle some glitter. Give your pubes a fresh new do – maybe braid them. Girls love a man who can braid hair.

- By now she should be smitten, Brett. All that’s left for you to do is pirate a movie or two and show up on her doorstep. She’ll probably be all over you before you can even start the flick. Just remember to film it all, leak it to the net the next day, sign your contract with Vivid after having your lawyers make some routine threats and, voila! You’re dating in the 21st century, pal. Congratulations!

It’s that easy, Brett. You’ve already taken the first step towards winning over Jenn Sterger, which shows that you are a man of initiative. The rest should be simple. It’s not easy finding love in this strange and cruel world, but somehow, someway, Brett Favre has managed. This is a romance for our times, an epic romance for the 21st century. Brett Favre, you are an inspiration to millions – no, billions – and the world thanks you for showing us all how to love.


No comments:

Post a Comment